A rowdy posse of law enforcement officers known as the Threats are charged with keeping the peace in Seattle – no matter the cost.
The Sharts are the militant branch of an amalgamation of left-wing special interest groups dedicated to taking the city back for the proletariat.
The turf in contention is the East Precinct, a rundown government building located in Capitol Hill. A once-proud neighborhood peopled with musicians, artists, and same-sex couples, Capitol Hill is now overrun with obnoxious corporate Amazonians and homeless people using the bathroom wherever they damn well please, thank-you-very-much.
Our story begins during one of the nightly rumbles. Officer Mike “Hammertime” Krupke of the Threats glances across the barrier looking for signs of civil disturbance from the Sharts, but instead locks eyes with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He breaks ranks and approaches her.
Her name is Meadow. He’s enamored by the way her multi-colored hair waves in the CS gas-scented breeze. She’s entranced by his uncanny resemblance to Macklemore. Their conversation is inopportunely broken up by the sound of flash-bang grenades. Bidding a hasty farewell, they agree to meet the next morning at Pike Place Market.
Upon reuniting, their passionate kiss burns hotter than a patrol car on 5th Ave. They spend the day getting acquainted while walking around Seattle. They don’t agree on politics, religion or the law. But it doesn’t matter, because they agree on the important things – the seagulls outside Ivar’s at Pier 54 are the worst, Costco is legit, and Seattle would be better off if the Californians would just leave town.
That night, things heat up at the East Precinct. The Sharts, annoyed by the Threats getting physically violent, throwing explosives, and setting up arbitrary barriers, decide it is time to fight fire with napalm. So, the Sharts get physically violent, throw explosives of their own and erect new barriers. The Threats, having wanted a new building for some time anyway, decide to vacate the East Precinct.
The Sharts now occupy a six-block area of Seattle that they dub the Capitol Hill Occupied Protest, or “New Eugene” for short. Meadow is conflicted, for she is torn between two loves – Hammertime and New Eugene.
Figuring that somewhere there’s a place for them, they decide the only sensible thing to do is to start a new life. All they need to decide is where to move. Tacoma? Nope – too much crime. Kent? Gross. Eastern Washington? Ha, not a chance.
Leavenworth! A life of leisure, lederhosen and alp horn concerts far away from the madness of Seattle would be perfect. It was settled. They would pack and meet Saturday at noon outside the Old Rainier Brewery, bringing only the necessities.
The day of the move, they park their cars and enjoy a loving embrace, excited to start their new lives together. Unexpectedly, the Sharts and Threats appear out of nowhere. There is no way Hammertime and Meadow can leave now, for trouble will surely follow them wherever they go.
Suddenly, a thunderous sound explodes from above. As everyone looks up to see what is happening, the bright red Rainier “R” comes crashing down, squishing Hammertime and Meadow on impact.
The Sharts and Threats stand speechless, tears welling in their eyes. The scene is harder to watch than Harvey Weinstein eating a lime-flavored popsicle.
Realizing that the only way forward is to work together for the greater good, and also that it’s lunchtime, the new friends agree to meet at Dick’s Drive-In, where they begin planning a peaceful future for all Seattleites.